Sunday, April 27, 2008

Health Class

Remember health class? You took it along with PE. It was where you learned about S-E-X. You know, the real biological details. Fallopian tubes. Ovaries. Penises.

Well, today, Demon Baby was very happy and excited. Demon Baby is a pretty sensory kid. So when he gets excited, he has to externalize it. He jumps up and down. He claps hands. He pinches. Yes, pinches. Me.

I have an arm and hand full of bruises, but I don't get too mad. It's not an "I want to hurt you" thing, but a "I'm so excited I don't know what to do so I'm going to have this wild moment." And I get pinched.

Anyway, I was talking with a friend at church, Demon was excited. "Pick me up!" Pinch. "Please!" Pinch. Smiles and giggles. But pinching, too.

And it dawned on me. Demon Baby should be required babysitting. One day. Eight hours. For every teen couple even CONTEMPLATING having sex. He's not a Demon Baby. He is Birth Control.

I'm all for safe sex. But I think the current administration's focus on abstinence is all wrong. Demon Babies should be REQUIRED in all Health Classes. The teen pregnancy rate would drop to zero.

Let me be the new Surgeon General.

10 comments:

conley730 said...

I stayed with a 5 year old an an 8 year old for almost 2 weeks when I was 19 years old while their parents were in Europe. That was definitely the best method of birth control ever!

Erica Orloff said...

conley:
See? it works! LOL!
E

spyscribbler said...

ROFL! So true!

Though reading about Demon Baby makes me want of my own. :-)

Erica Orloff said...

Spy:
The universe has gifted me with four brilliant children--trust me, I know how lucky I am. The first three are all intellectually "gifted"--in gifted classes, each with a talent. But Demon Baby . . . the universe gave me what I had to learn. Which was to step back and be amazed and appreciate the FEROCITY with which he loves life. He roars through it--with imagination, but also this energy that is SO different from me. I am learning to be amused by him. I am learning to "get" him. Like I realize more and more he HAS to hit or pinch or do "something" with his exuberance. I have to learn to channel that--but he is energy on a scale that I have never met before.

I realize he is going to teach me things and take me places. I really do know that now.
E

Nature Nut /JJ Loch said...

Erica, ROFL!!! You may have some mothers of teens lining up for Demon baby. :D

I have one daughter who used to crawl up from behind when I was doing dishes and pinch me on my bare legs. I feel your pain and remember it years later.

My teen granddaughter brought a doll baby home from school to care for and the head fell off. She had to duct tape it back on. I'm still chuckling about that.

Thanks for the support on my new career. :D

Hugs, Nancy

The Anti-Wife said...

I'm sending your name in to all the presidential candidates with a recommendation that you be appointed Surgeon General. Brilliant idea!

Erica Orloff said...

Hi Nancy:
I love your photos, so . . . exciting news!

As for the pinching. Oh yes. REAL pain.

And one time? Speaking of doll heads . . . my kids were in a Christmas pageant. There were Mary and Joseph and Baby Doll Jesus. They placed Jesus in the wooden cradle. The cradle broke. Baby Jesus' head fell OFF and promptly (swear!) ROLLED DOWN THE AISLE OF CHURCH.

It was the funniest thing I've EVER seen in my life.
E

Erica Orloff said...

Thank you, Anti-wife. I appreciate your vote of support.

--The New Surgeon General

P.S. As a pacifist, this is the ONLY way my name will EVER be associated with a military title. ;-)

Wendy Roberts said...

LOL! Okay, my 3rd child was much like your Demon Baby with the pinching whenever excited. I tried to redirect the pinching and finally succeeded. He began blowing raspberries on any available skin on anyone and everyone. Imagine your surprise when you're visiting someone's house and their large 4 year old runs over, places his mouth on your neck and blusters a wet raspberry on your skin. Oh and he did this in public too and it went on for at least a year. Pinching was actually better LOL!

Erica Orloff said...

Wendy:
I kind of know better than to redirect him, because it often turns out the redirection is worse than his first impulse.

Like we often graduate from FART to F*CK in terms of language. So I ignore it . . . .

E