Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Translation: This birthday was awesome.
2. I am NEVER going to kindergarten. Kindergarten is evil.
Translation: Even though it's a year and a half away, Mom, you will be spending a LOT of time getting acquainted with the principal.
3. My new bike is SW-EE-EE-EE-T!
Translation: Now I can REALLY scare my mom by riding at breakneck speeds.
4. Wait a minute . . . I'm not BIG. I thought I would wake up and be big.
Translation: I still don't get this whole growing up thing.
5. I'm going to drink my ice cream with a straw.
Translation: There really is no sense in giving me a spoon.
6. My pants are itchy.
Translation: I am going to be naked in about five seconds.
7. This shirt is too small on me.
Translation: See #6
8. I have an exceptional vocabulary.
Translation: See #2
9. I'm going to lick the salt shaker in this restaurant.
Translation: I hope the health inspector comes here regularly.
10. Will you come lay with me until I fall asleep. Otherwise I'm lonely.
Translation: Even though I am a Demon Baby, Mama, I will always love you, and I know you love me.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Buy Charmin stock.
First, Demon Baby uses it as crime scene tape. He also uses it to tie up his siblings, to stuff in clothes to make scarecrows, and as confetti. Sometimes he lines up long strips of toilet paper and places them on his naked self as a "blanket."
Additionally, he has a bad cold. He is under the impression (see photo above) that he needs 500 squares of toilet tissue to wipe his nose. Each. Time. He. Sneezes.
In these times of uncertainty . . . buy Charmin stock. The parent company is Proctor and Gamble. As of this morning, stock prices are $50.95. That's UP by .84. I'm telling you. It's a sure thing.
Demon Baby's Mother
Monday, February 16, 2009
You see, Demon Baby got a new bathrobe. He's never had one before . . . but I dug his brother's old one out of a box of clothes I saved. It's brown and fleece and very warm. After Demon Baby's last ritualistic Ninja bath, I held out the bathrobe.
"Your lips are blue from being in the tub so long. This will warm you up."
[Note: He takes FREEZING cold baths . . . his choice.]
He shrugged and put it on.
"You look handsome in in it," I offered.
Demon Baby snuggled in, then went off to play. About an hour later he returned--still (!!) in his bathrobe. This was like a new record of non-nakedness.
"I like my bathrobe."
"Wanna know why?"
"Sure . . . " I said. But deep down, I thought, do I really want to know why?
"Because, when you wear a bathrobe, you can be totally NAKED underneath, but no one has to KNOW you're naked. So it's like you're SECRETLY naked. Even in front of company."
"Good to know, Demon Baby."
As he walked off, I suddenly glimpsed him, head of an empire of near-naked Demons. And I thought . . . my God . . . my kid is a junior Hefner.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I thought I would write to you and tell you about an ingenius and devious new use for your products that I am fairly certain you had not thought of when you created your Ziploc resealable bags.
Yesterday, my son, a.k.a. Demon Baby, took two boxes of Ziploc bags--which you tout for keeping food so fresh--and hid them, unbeknownst to me. Later, he filled them all with water and made water balloons with them when I thought he was merely going potty.
First, may I tell you that hurled, the Ziplocs indeed kept in the water. Bravo for your engineers! However, when Demon Baby decided to start hiding the water balloons under couch cushions and carpets for people to step and sit on . . . the seals . . . not so much. Perhaps you can work on that.
May I also tell you that gallon Ziplocs seem to hold even MORE than a gallon of water. In fact, they seem to hold a small pond of water. Particularly when they are spilled on my family room floor. Just TWO gallon bags in there were able to flood the entire den. Fascinating! And again, bravo for you!
I have been a loyal Ziploc user for many years now. However, now I will be storing your products under lock and key. Warning labels might be appropriate, too. Caution: Not intended as water balloon projectiles.
Demon Baby's Mother
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Granted . . . no one is supposed to have to take apart the entire vacuum cleaner, piece by piece and screw by screw. No one should have to run the extension hose through hot water in the bath tub for an hour until the encrusted Cheetos begin to disintegrate.
No one should have to remove all the canisters to cleanse them of orange dust like some bad sci-fi movie gone awry.
The rollers on the bottom of the machine aren't really meant to roll through Cheeto and toothpaste cement.
But the machine runs. And my Oldest Son probably learned a little bit of mechanical engineering, to boot. He is 13. When he grows up, perhaps you can give him a job in your design department. He has some ideas on how to make your product even better, honed from this entire experience.
Does it pick up as phenomenally as it did three days ago when it was new, before the Cheetos Debacle of 2009?
Of course not. In fact, it now probably runs about as well as my old one, which defeated the purpose of getting a new vacuum.
However, it DOES run.
So after the final destruction of the earth, when only cockroaches and rats will survive, they will have clean carpets once they mutate and figure out how to run them.
I notice you do not have a label on your boxes "Demon-Baby Proof" or "Demon Baby's Mother's Seal of Approval." But I salute you, nonetheless.
The insides are oily with Cheetos residue, but . . . you, Sirs, have a good product.
Demon Baby's Mother
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
As such, Management conceded to ONLY purchase tag-free all-black fleece sweatpants and black turtlenecks (also tagless) from Old Navy. In return Demon Baby would dress as a Ninja and wear clothes 75% of the time, in return for bathing less because really, if you saw my last post, what's the point of a bath with this kid.
However, settlement talks have failed. Naked Strike has returned. This picture was taken five minutes ago. My family room? That was what greeted me upong my return from getting a haircut when Demon Baby's father was "watching" him. To be fair, it often looks like that when I am in charge too.
Whatever you are thinking about how much of a disaster that room is, the reality is worse.
Note strategically placed couch cushions. That is his Fortress of Naked Solitude.
Random Thought #1: I realize my older kids have projects requiring markers. But really . . . would it have been so awful for them to have used crayons?
Random Thought #2: Do I need to purchase a SAFE for markers?
Random Thought #3: If I write the Eureka vacuum company my funny story about my oldest son vacuuming up 5,000 cheese balls with their vacuum cleaner and offer to let them use it for a commercial, will they pay me an endorsement fee? Or at least give me a new vacuum?
Random Thought #4: Four words: What Would Erma Do?
Random Thought #5: It say's washable markers. But no. Not really. Maybe if I washed him with Oxy-Clean?
Random Thought #6: Forget my Four Words. She never dealt with this. God rest her soul.
Random Thought #7: I have THE plan to stop teen pregnancy. Forget abstinence education. No, really. Forget it. Instead, require all teen couples to spend one entire weekend taking care of Demon Baby. All thoughts of S-E-X- will immediately and permanently vanish.
Random Thought #8: My parents tell me I was an obedient, lovely child. Everyone who seems to think this is karmic payback . . . sorry. Apparently this is just the universe playing a big, HILARIOUS joke on me.
Random Thought #9: I have a babysitter coming on Saturday. I pray he doesn't read this blog.
Random Thought #10: I really love my Demon Baby. A lot.