Friday, November 21, 2008

Demon Baby Switch

I am pretty sure Demon Baby's preschool teacher is delusional.

You see, yesterday, I got Demon Baby's preschool "report card." He only goes two half-days a week. On those days, when he wakes up and knows it's a school day, he cries. He screams. He tells me his teacher is ugly and mean and horrible and locks him in a cold, dark basement where she keeps her prisoners. He tells me it is awful, that they feed him horrible food (even though I make his lunch and make his peanut butter sandwich just so--two triangles, crusts cut off). That he has no friends and the other children are all stupid. He fights me when I get him dressed--which admittedly could be because he prefers being naked.

The entire way to school in the car, he cries. BECAUSE he goes to a church preschool, in the parking lot he will spew fun extra things like I HATE JESUS. THIS IS SO UNFAIR!

But his report card?

"Demon Baby is a teacher's DREAM."

WHAT?!?!?! Dream of hell? WHAT?!?!?!?!

"He is friends with EVERYONE."

Excuse me?!?!?!?!

"His favorite activity is lesson time, and he knows all the answers. I always count on him to answer every question."


"He is a joy."

Clearly, the woman has been smoking something. Or maybe . . . there has been a Demon Baby switch and the kid sleeping upstairs really ISN'T my Demon Baby. It's some other little child. I better run upstairs and check for the telltale 666.


Melanie Avila said...


Erica Orloff said...

LOL! Yeah . . . a DREAM. I was stunned!

spyscribbler said...

You know, there's this bizarre thing that sometimes happens to me. Some students have a blast in the lesson. They laugh, they grin, they have fun. They play piano like they love it, and they have real enthusiasm and ask questions and are engaged. But then I'll hear from the parents they don't like piano at home.

Usually, I think it's just they don't want to leave whatever free activity they're doing (like playing outside, or playing video games, or watching TV) to practice or go to a lesson. A lot of kids really prefer the freedom to just do things when they feel like it. (Which is fine, it just is what it is.)

I don't know, though. It's a bizarre dichotomy.

Suzanne Perazzini said...

That's hilarious but so in character for Demon Baby. He's smart and he knows what side his bread is buttered on. If he is mean to the teacher, his life could be very difficult in class and he could lose the teacher's admiration. He doesn't want that. But he knows he can be as mean and demonic as he wants to you and he will still have your undying love and devotion.

Erica Orloff said...

I agree . . . I think kids resist and then, when getting involved with something, find they are having a ball.

Erica Orloff said...

Hi Suzanne:
He knows I adore him, yes. So he's free to torture me.

I suspected he did OK at school. I didn't get any bad reports, or have the teacher pull me aside. But a DREAM? I mean . . . a DREAM?

And the friend thing shocked me since he says he doesn't play with the other kids. Yet every mother will say, as we're walking down the hall, "OH . . . is THAT the little boy you are always talking about?" I assumed it was the little boy that tormented all the kids. But apparently . . . they love him.

I consider the possibility he is converting them to his minions.

Zoe Winters said...

bwahahahahahaha. OMG this is so funny! Maybe he just is grumpy in the mornings haha.

Erica Orloff said...

He does, indeed, ALWAYS wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Each day. Every day. Perhaps he warms up once he gets there.

laughingwolf said...

eeeeeeehawwwwww ;) lol

but ye gotta know: the mumber of the beast is NOT 666, rather, it's 6 to the 6th power to the 6th power, at least according to my favorite sc-fi author, robert a. heinlein, who, after all, wrote the book, THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST :O