Sunday, March 9, 2008

It's All An Act

You know how when a serial killer is caught, all the neighbors say, "He was so quiet. He kept to himself." Or "He seemed so normal." Well . . . Demon Baby has his own version of that.

From the moment this child's eyes open, until he crashes in exhaustion at bedtime (he hasn't napped in a year!), he makes a LOT of noise. He talks, he chatters, he sings Rage Against the Machine (see a couple of posts ago). He smashes things, he plays the drums, he screams, he bangs pots. If it makes noise in some way, he's all for it.

But at preschool? And church? He never says ONE word. He can, quite literally, go an entire week without speaking. Not ONE word.

And so when I tell people about Demon Baby, when I regale them with my syrup-covered walls and my marker-covered carpets, with the time he PAINTED the bird with watercolors and the time he put CHEESE in the fishtank--LARGE chunks of cheese! And the time he stripped naked and covered himself in ice cream and sprinkles, and the time he threw roll afer roll of toilet paper over the second-floor landing to the first, effectively toilet papering my house, and the time he put all the family toothbrushes in the toilet, and the time, this week, when he was allowed to play in the sink with some plastic cups and splash, but he was left alone for a "moment" when the phone rang, and he stripped naked and covered himself in a generous layer of liquid dishwashing soap, effectively rendering himself as slippery as a fresh-caught bass . . . no one believes me.

"But he SEEMS SO QUIET. So SHY. So SWEET."

It is part of his nefarious plot to fool them all so when I finally have my nervous breakdown, no one will understand.

My own baby is gaslighting me.

14 comments:

Aerin said...

Oh no no no no no no. Anyone with toddlers will sympathize. We'll all rally around the mental hospital to break you out.

Erica Orloff said...

Aerin:
Thank you! At least I know I won't be kept in my strait jacket forever, then.

:-)
E

Aimless Writer said...

hahahahahaha...
so this diary is really your way of proving you're not crazy? Or, at least, there is a reason you're crazy?
My first child was very noisey, I always knew where she was so it was easy to head off the caos. However, we didn't go to restaurants until she was four because she was so loud.
Second child was very quiet. If I took my eyes off her for a second she was gulping cough syrup (poison control; "Don't worry, she is toxic."), giving the dog a crewcut, going for a ride in the washing machine...
Its always the quiet one you have to watch out for.

Erica Orloff said...

Aimless:
Well, Demon combines both. he is loud! But then the moments of quiet mean he is definitely up to something.

Bottom line, he is never "still"--noisy or quiet, he is almost always looking for trouble. It's frighteningly anti-social. ;-)
E

spyscribbler said...

Everybody knows it's the quiet ones you have to look out for. :-)

Suzanne Perazzini said...

You know they are only diabolical around those they are sure love them enough to not toss them out with the dishwater. He's not so sure about those at preschool. LOL.

Erica Orloff said...

Spy:
LOL! Yes. He fools them all.

E

Erica Orloff said...

suzanne:
LOL! Yes. He WOULD be clever enough to figure that out.
E

sex scenes at starbucks said...

The husband and I agreed long ago that as long as the kids behave around others, we've done our job. What happens in the privacy of our own home, however...

Erica Orloff said...

sex scenes:
Well . . the other three are well-behaved at home AND outside the home.

Demon is quiet outside . . . and from some other planet at home.

E

The Anti-Wife said...

Be thankful he's quiet in public. If he acted there like he does at home, people would accuse you of being a terrible parent.

Barrie said...

My chatty child didn't speak for 6 months in preschool. No one believed me. :)

Erica Orloff said...

anti-wife:
I am eccentric enough that people already probably think that.

:-)
E

Erica Orloff said...

barrie:
LOL! I am in good company, then.
E