Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Top Ten Things You Learn on a Fifteen-Hour Car Trip with Demon Baby

1. There is an exponential equation, invented by Demon Baby himself, for how often you will hear the phrase: "Are we there yet?" The equation begins about three minutes after you pull out of the driveway and accelerates from there.

2. A Demon Baby who has now learned to pee standing up is fascinated by the idea of pulling to the side of I-95 in five states to leave his mark on the grass. Happy news for you citizens of Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Goergia, and six places in Florida (it's a long state).

3. Demon Baby has two volumes. Loud and so loud it breaks the sound barrier. Neither of these volumes agrees with his 75-year-old grandfather. At all.

4. The engineer who invented the DVD player in the minivan deserves a Nobel Prize.

5. About hour ten into the trip, Demon Baby's mother will question her sanity.

6. After said 15-hour-trip the inside of a Demon-Baby-carrying-minivan will look like a nuclear test site.

7. Demon Baby will have to pee one mile PAST the rest stop. Not before it. Not at the exit. AFTER it. Despite being asked for the five miles leading to it, "Do you have to go?"

8. Pertaining to #7, this will always be at a point on the highway where the next rest stop is 79 miles away.

9. Truck stops and I-95 gas stations do not cater to families anymore (if they ever did). There is also an exponential equation between how badly your child needs to use the potty and how filthy the restroom will be.

10. The morning after a 15-hour car trip with Demon Baby generally feels like I have been attacked in my sleep by an assailant wielding a sack of rocks.

Easter with the grandparents? Priceless.

Sort of.

12 comments:

fakefrenchie said...

You survived! Did the grandparents?

Suzanne Perazzini said...

You are one brave woman. Maybe the insanity part is self-defense kicking in. You can drift off to cuckoo land.

Cheryl Kauffman said...

Yes, Florida is very long to drive through, especially when you have to drive the entire panhandle on the way to New Orleans. I bet you are glad to be back home.

Erica Orloff said...

FF:
Barely, I think.

E

Erica Orloff said...

Suzanne:
Driving down was WORSE than coming home for some reason.
E

Erica Orloff said...

Cheryl:
I am a homebody anyway, so yes . . . I did love returning to my space.
E

Robin said...

That is too funny. Dude - why do you think they invented vans with VCRs? I was too late for them, but there's still hope for you!

Erica Orloff said...

Robin:
The DVD invention . . . OMG, how did parents ever survive long trips?

E

Melanie Avila said...

We used to drive from Michigan to Florida and MAN I hated being forced to hold my pee. DB is lucky is can pee more easily than I could. :)

Glad you survived the trip.

ha! WV: rewgator

Erica Orloff said...

melanie:
Boys do have it easy in that regard.
E

Richmond Writer said...

We did it once with 3 kids under 6. It took 18 hours and 1 trip to the emergency room upon arrival in Tampa.

Erica Orloff said...

Richmond:
OMG . . . well, then I consider myself lucky indeed!!

I will say I was the only parent, so I get a bonus point for that.

;-)
E