Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Top Ten Signs That You Are the Mother of a Demon Baby

1. You have a shop vac for both upstairs and downstairs. You never put them away. You don't even bother to unplug them.

2. The carpet cleaning man is on speed dial.

3. You start to believe you really HAVE grown eyes on the back of your head.

4. Silence, which you used to enjoy, now means it is too quiet and he is obviously up to something.

5. When you go anywhere in public, complete strangers come over to you and remark something along the lines of, "That is the smartest, most talkative, cute, energetic boy I have ever seen. He should be in commercials. But I feel SO sorry for you."

6. You start thinking naked is the new normal. And CLOTHES are odd.

7. Exhaustion is your new normal.

8. You take great comfort, and tuck away in your brain, stories from mothers whose kids were a lot like Demon Baby but grew up to be successful people with no trips to reform school or the state penitentiary. You want to hug these mothers when they tell you their stories.

9. You buy more of these than any human being ought to.

10. When he's sleeping, you occasionally look for the telltale 666 behind his ear, but finding none, you usually lie down next to him and just watch him sleep, knowing he is the most special boy in the whole world.

15 comments:

pita-woman said...

You should send that list to the David Letterman show.

Erica Orloff said...

Pita:
LOL! All right, let me find David's email address. I must have it handy somewhere.

Actually, I could videotape Demon Baby in action and do the list and mail them a video. Hmm . . . got me thinking.

:-)

Nessa said...

Lol. Love your posts! I'd love to meet the little guy..but im not even sure if my crazy b-sitting skills could handle him!lol

Erica Orloff said...

Hi Nessa:
On the RARE occasions I get to go out, I try to hire a tag-team babysitting pair (high school senior and his girlfriend, both 18). Together, they can almost handle him.

Robin said...

I love #5, because it's so true! He's so wonderful, but he sounds so hard, too. The greatest part is that you know it's all worth it.

Now I need to tell myself it's all worth it. "Don't kill them, Robin. It'll all be worth it one day. I think." Aw, let's face it. I'm unconvinced.

Suzanne Perazzini said...

It'll certainly ne interesting to watch him grow up along with you. It will all be good - no reform schools on his horizon. Look how your other children are turning out.

Erica Orloff said...

Robin:
Number 5 happens at least once a grocery store outing.
E

Erica Orloff said...

Suzanne:
Actually, in all seriousness, I can't wait to see this kid take the world by storm.
E

Jude Hardin said...

I used to write for Letterman. Of course, he didn't know I was writing for him...

By the way, the 666 should be on the top of the head, an inch or so behind the hairline. Just FYI.

spyscribbler said...

Awwww, a child sleeping is one of the most special things in the world, I think. I don't know why. Maybe because you can just sit and look and remember how special they are, LOL, uninterrupted.

Melanie Avila said...

Aww, this made me smile.

Erica Orloff said...

Jude:
I'll have to look.

E

Erica Orloff said...

Spy:
I love his sleeping times. :-)

Erica Orloff said...

Melanie:
Thanks. :-)
E

laughingwolf said...

that's the best part, soooooooo good... while asleep ;) lol