Sunday, June 29, 2008

Lunch with a Demon

We went out for lunch today--the whole gang of us. Demon Baby was absolutely delightful and well-behaved. Though he, as usual, decided the waiter had to know WAY TOO MUCH information about our family.

What do I mean?

LAST TIME we went out for dinner, he stood up and told the waiter, in a voice loud enough to be heard over a jackhammer, "I just farted and it smells like peanut butter." THAT kind of Too Much Information. I pitied the poor waiter. Had some toddler said that to me when I was waiting tables, I would have dropped my tray.

Today's lunch, this was what the waiter had to hear:

Waiter: "Would you like a drink?"
DB: "I want cheese."
Waiter: "You want to DRINK cheese?"
DB: "Yes. I want cheese."
Mom: "He'll take a Sprite."
DB: "Tell him about the beetle that flew into your hair today."
Mom: "I'll have a Coke."
DB: "TELL HIM! IT WAS A GROSS BEETLE AND IT FLEW RIGHT INTO HER HAIR."
Waiter: "Everyone else's drinks?"
DB: "I want cheese. Mom, tell him." Looks at waiter. "Cheese. Just get me cheese."

You get the idea. BUT, he was well behaved. THEN they brought Wet-naps.

DB: "What's this?"
Mom: "You open it when your done with lunch and clean your hands."
DB: "COOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Open it."
Mom: "But you haven't eaten yet."
DB: "Please? I want to see."
Mom opens pack.
DB: "WOW! LOOK AT THIS! It's wet. WOW! EVERYONE LOOK. THEY HAVE A WET NAPKIN IN HERE."

Once this miracle of modern man was revealed, he sat and dutifully ate lunch. No farting discussions. He was being SO good. We ALMOST made it out of lunch with no incidents.

And then . . . after he ate, he wiped his hands. And then proceeded to ball up the Wet-nap, toss it over his shoulder, where it landed in the middle of the table in back of our booth.

I apologized. PROFUSELY. And God bless the three women who laughed instead of got mad. Properly chastized, Demon Baby behaved, and we got through paying the bill.

I tip very well.

Now you know why.

19 comments:

Suzanne Perazzini said...

Taking any small children to a restaurant is a mission taken on only by the brave unless you sedate them beforehand - or yourself. So your outing was a triumphant success. Congratulations to DB and to the waiter for not dropping his tray.

Erica Orloff said...

Hi Suzanne:
I am pretty strict in that if he gets wild, we have to leave. And for a while, it just didn't feel "worth it" to me. I didn't enjoy myself. But . . . he's getting a bit better.

Funny thing, he was SUCH a good BABY. SO GOOD!!!! I took him to NYC when he was 7 months old and my agent took us out for dinner to a fancy French place on the Upper East Side. I could tell when we walked in that they were NOT pleased. But he was SO good the whole time, didn't make a peep. And when we left, they said, "You can bring that baby ANY time." Of course, now I wouldn't DARE!
E

spyscribbler said...

HAH! That's hilarious! I needed that laugh today. :-)

Peanut butter farts. I'm not going to forget that for a long time!

Erica Orloff said...

Spy:
I WISH I could forget it, but alas, I cannot. :-)

On top of that, he says it like a New Yawker. Even though I don't have a heavy New York accent, and his father is basically accentless . . . he says it like . . .

Peanut BUTTAH.

Like the Mike Myers character on Coffee Talk on SNL. A New York Jewish mother in a Demon Baby. Maybe he is reincarnated.

E

Melanie Avila said...

But can you blame him? I mean, wet naps ARE pretty dang cool! How do they stay wet? How come the outside stays dry? Why, why, why?

I'll stop now before you smack me through the internet. :D

Robin said...

I think there is a gene for cheese loving in the y chromosome. My boys were obsessed with cheese at Demon Baby's age, and even now. When Kevin was 5, they had a project at his school where 8th graders met with a Kindergartner and wrote a book about the child. Kevin's partner wrote a book called "Kevin's World". The world was made of cheese, and the only food you had to eat was cheeseburgers, macaroni and cheese, and mozzarella sticks. We still have the book. It's awesome.

Suzanne Perazzini said...

Ah, now the pattern is clear. He was a good baby and now he's making up for lost time. Soon it will level out and he'll be your average child. Then again, perhaps not.

laughingwolf said...

lol too funny!

thankfully, my youngest is now 23!

but we DID have similar incidents, erica :)

Erica Orloff said...

Melanie:
I actually love when he finds something ordinary . . . and thinks it's just amazing. His new favorite expression is "Check this out"--as he goes through everyday objects that do cool things.
E

Erica Orloff said...

robin:
I am lactose intolerant (I have Crohn's disease, so most people with the disease are)--I can only look at his cheese obsession with envy. LOL!
E

Erica Orloff said...

Suzanne:
LOL! Yes. His oldest brother is the mellowest, kindest boy I know. Now an adolescent who still is the kindest boy . . . and he had colic and was a frightfully difficult baby for six months. Some nights he slept only two hours. So now he's calm. The pendulum swing.

With Demon Baby . . . not so sure. :-)
E

Erica Orloff said...

Laughing Wolf:
My oldest is 18, then a 13 year old boy, then a 10 year old girl . . . and then the Demon, whom we all adore, but who wears us out!
E

laughingwolf said...

lol ...i can imagine... when #3 was born, i called him 'the boss', cuz every time he squawked, we all went running to him, sisters included ;)

Erica Orloff said...

Laughing:
When he was a baby we called Demon . . . The Little Prince.

E

Jude Hardin said...

LOL!!!! I'll package up some peanut buttah and Cheeze-Its and send them your way. And a can of Glade.

laughingwolf said...

i'm sure he was, too :)

Erica Orloff said...

Jude:
Welcome to my reality.

:-)
E

Kim Stagliano said...

Oh what a funny kid! I wouldn't mind having him near me in a restaurant at all. Except for when he's farting Skippy.

K

Erica Orloff said...

Kim . . .

Trust me. You might mind.

:-)
E