Wednesday, March 11, 2009

And the Oscar Goes to . . . .

Demon Baby's Mother for . . . Best Performance Acting Surprised 53 Times Before Lunch!!!

"I'd like to thank the Academy . . . ."

Demon Baby has a new game. He takes a gift bag--one of those bags mothers like me use because we're too lazy/exhausted/insane/busy to actually WRAP a present. And he goes throughout the house putting stuff in it. Then he gives me my "present." Which I must open. Once I am done, he takes the bag, goes away, fills it again, brings it back, and we begin. Again. And again. I have opened my "presents" at least 50 times today and it's not even NOON. The crap littering my office is astounding.

"Go on, open it Mama!!!"

My performance begins.

"How did you KNOW? I mean, how could one genius little precious baby know that I have WANTED a used printer cartridge for so long? Did you find it in the trash?"

"Yes, Mama. But there's more."

I look in the bag. I feign SHOCK and AWE. "You are kidding me!!! How could you afford this? Cotton balls? AND one sock. You are too generous."

"I need the bag back." I hand him the bag.

Ten minutes later.

"MAMA! I have a SURPRISE for you! You won't believe it!"

I look in the bag.

"Get out of town! My very own stuffed dog missing one eye. He is so cute! I have wanted a stuffed dog like this for a long, long time."

"There's more."

"Oh . . . candy! Wherever did you get this candy?"

"I was saving it. Under the couch cushions. Eat it."

"I'll save it for later."

"No. Eat it."

"Not until I am done opening presents. . . . What? A banana peel? Were you eating a banana this morning?"

"No, yesterday."

"Even BETTER. Wow . . . I don't even know what to say! I really don't. I'm pretty speechless, my little pumpkin."

"There's more."

"I don't know if I can accept any more. I mean . . . you are just too generous. When I am an old lady sitting in a nursing home, I am going to tell everyone there about how you gave me all this stuff. No more . . . really. I can't possibly accept anything more. there's not even ROOM on my desk for all this stuff."

H puts his hands on his hips. "OPEN IT!"

I know better than to argue. I pull out a small soccer trophy. He got it for playing peewee soccer at the Y and it is one of his prized possessions.

"A trophy! Oh . . . my sweet, sweet little evil genius . . . I can't take this. I didn't earn it."

"You did! It's yours."

"For what?"

"For being the most awesomest humongasaurus mother ever."

I wipe a tear from my eye. For once, it's not a tear from crying over a broken vacuum cleaner or the fact that he tried to feed my diamond ring to the dog. It's a soccer trophy.

I will treasure it always. I'll put it right next to my Oscar.


pita-woman said...

Honestly, I don't know how you find enough time in the day to get anything done!
On a side note...
I've not been to the bookstore in a while, but now that I've nearly exhausted my supply of reading material at home, I'll be going soon. I've never read any of your published works, as I only recently learned of your existence, but I intend to go straight to the Erica-section... if your published works are only half as entertaining as your blogs, then I think I'm in for a treat. :)

Erica Orloff said...

Wait until June. That's when Freudian Slip comes out. It's a comedy, so I think I am in rare form.


Erica Orloff said...

And P.S. . . . if you saw the mess in my house some days, you would realize I actually do NOT get anything done. LOL!

Shelly Quade said...

That's so sweet! And gross!

Your son is adorable. I know he's a handful - but he gave you a soccer trophy for being a great mom, so you know you're doing well.

(And if it makes you feel better, I don't have any kids or pets, and my apartment's pretty much always a mess...)

Melanie Avila said...

I really am amazed you have so many books under your belt!

lol, my word verification is restingl

Erica Orloff said...

I find him charming most of the time, but he is all boy. We spent much of today in the mud digging out earthworms (which he likes to keep in a pot of dirt as "pets").

Erica Orloff said...

Those books must occur when I am sleeping. Maybe I sleep-write instead of sleepwalk.

Robin said...

Aw...That was a really heartfelt present. The last time we visited my mother-in-law, I saw a big stuffed "Spot the dog" sitting on a shelf. Kevin gave it to his grandmother when he was 4, because it was his favorite toy. I got tears in my eyes, looking at it. Kevin saw and laughed at me.

Erica Orloff said...

I have an assortment of "unusual" items given to me by all four kids. I don't have the heart to throw any of them away, and they are all fairly prominent.

Kraxpelax said...

That's it, sister. Demon + Baby = Affinity.

Personal announcement!

My Art:

My Poetry:

My Philosophy:

- Peter Ingestad, Sweden

Richmond Writer said...

I have pottery from my kids' first grade art class. One is a pinch pot that has sat next to the sink holding my wedding rings and such for 9 years.

I used to have a computer monitor box full of play food. The kids would make me meals and bring them into the office to feed me until the floor looked like a giant pantry.

Erica Orloff said...

That's so sweet. I have a bracelet. It's actually the cardboard inner "tube" from a huge masking tape roll. It's got tissue paper glued to it. It was the first craft my oldest daughter gave to me and I STILL have it in my dresser.