Dear Erie Insurance:
I have appreciated your holding the policy on my home. But I notice that nowhere is there a Demon Baby clause. I do notice there is a flood exclusion. I am trying to decide if Demon Baby is an act of warfare exclusion or a natural disaster.
Recently I was sitting at my kitchen table and suddenly it started raining. Oh, not a drizzle, but a downpour.
Demon Baby filled a bucket (kept in the bathroom for playing in the tub) with water from the upstairs sink and poured it down the heating vent in the floor in said bathroom. Apparently, that vent leads to the exact spot above my kitchen table, where the water came pouring down THROUGH the combination ceiling fan/light fixture. The light fixture shorted out. Water flooded the kitchen table.
I need some sort of Demon Baby House Insurance.
You, apparently, do not make a policy for that, though I have searched through all your product lines.
Other strange household damage has included his taking a pencil and punching holes in the wood floors.
One microwave oven mishap (but really that was Older Brother's fault--he didn't realize when you reheat Chinese food, you take it OUT of the container with the little metal handle--there was a small fire in the microwave for anyone in your company keeping track of these things).
One broken screen.
Let us not forget the Eureka vacuum crisis of 2009. I don't think you cover small appliances.
One staircase carpet with purple marker.
One hall carpet with red marker.
Six walls needing repainting.
One broken fence post where Demon Baby tried to climb over to play with the dogs.
One brand-new car stereo with pennies inserted into the CD drive.
One computer with Cheerios in the CD-ROM drive.
One piano with pennies inserted between keys entailing the piano tuner needing to come. (He was amused. He has four sons, I think, so he "gets" it.)
One fish tank destroyed by feeding the fish mozarella cheese sticks (the stench when this was discovered almost required fumigation--also not covered by your policy as far as I can see).
Three other water spots in kitchen from other tub incidents.
Four missing bannister rails.
Countless small damage from balls thrown in the house, trikes smashed into walls, etc.
My gray hair doesn't count. I will not ask you to purchase this. (But if you want to, I use dark brown.)
Perhaps at your next corporate meeting, you could consider Demon Baby coverage. I would certainly appreciate it.
Demon Baby's Mother