Thursday, March 5, 2009

Dear Erie Insurance

Dear Erie Insurance:

I have appreciated your holding the policy on my home. But I notice that nowhere is there a Demon Baby clause. I do notice there is a flood exclusion. I am trying to decide if Demon Baby is an act of warfare exclusion or a natural disaster.

Recently I was sitting at my kitchen table and suddenly it started raining. Oh, not a drizzle, but a downpour.

Demon Baby filled a bucket (kept in the bathroom for playing in the tub) with water from the upstairs sink and poured it down the heating vent in the floor in said bathroom. Apparently, that vent leads to the exact spot above my kitchen table, where the water came pouring down THROUGH the combination ceiling fan/light fixture. The light fixture shorted out. Water flooded the kitchen table.

I need some sort of Demon Baby House Insurance.

You, apparently, do not make a policy for that, though I have searched through all your product lines.

Other strange household damage has included his taking a pencil and punching holes in the wood floors.

One microwave oven mishap (but really that was Older Brother's fault--he didn't realize when you reheat Chinese food, you take it OUT of the container with the little metal handle--there was a small fire in the microwave for anyone in your company keeping track of these things).

One broken screen.

Let us not forget the Eureka vacuum crisis of 2009. I don't think you cover small appliances.

One staircase carpet with purple marker.

One hall carpet with red marker.

Six walls needing repainting.

One broken fence post where Demon Baby tried to climb over to play with the dogs.

One brand-new car stereo with pennies inserted into the CD drive.

One computer with Cheerios in the CD-ROM drive.

One piano with pennies inserted between keys entailing the piano tuner needing to come. (He was amused. He has four sons, I think, so he "gets" it.)

One fish tank destroyed by feeding the fish mozarella cheese sticks (the stench when this was discovered almost required fumigation--also not covered by your policy as far as I can see).

Three other water spots in kitchen from other tub incidents.

Four missing bannister rails.

Countless small damage from balls thrown in the house, trikes smashed into walls, etc.

My gray hair doesn't count. I will not ask you to purchase this. (But if you want to, I use dark brown.)

Perhaps at your next corporate meeting, you could consider Demon Baby coverage. I would certainly appreciate it.


Demon Baby's Mother


spyscribbler said...

Pennies between the keys?! You never told that story before! Sheesh, we're just getting the tip of the iceberg here, aren't we?

Erica Orloff said...

I don't even write everything because no one would believe me.

The piano tuner (great guy) was awestruck at how much money there was.


Melanie Avila said...

Erica, I hope you get a lot of cuddles for all this. :)

Erica Orloff said...

I really and truly do. I get to wake up every morning and the FIRST words I hear are "I love you, Mom." And even when he's demanding I get juice or something for him, and his brother offers instead, Demon Baby always says, "No. It's more special when mom gets it because I totally love her."

I am pretty much adored. It's a good gig. If a little wearying at times. ;-)

pita-woman said...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry... okay, actually both I guess.
And I thought my 3 great danes were destructive. Who'd have ever thought 1 little demon-baby could trump the mess in my house!
All joking aside, you have my total admiration for all you put up with in the name of love. ;)

Erica Orloff said...

My sister has a great dane! She is beautiful!!!!

Actually, I had a friend who had a black lab who once literally ATE through a wall--a gaping hole in the drywall. HUGE!

So maybe my baby isn't as bad as a dog. ;-)


pita-woman said...

I borrowed your idea and I just had to do my own blog to the insurance company. Think it will do any good??

Erica Orloff said...

Not likely. LOL!

fakefrenchie said...

You are a saint, Erica.

Erica Orloff said...

What? It doesn't RAIN in your KITCHEN? I thought this happened to everyone. LOL!

Cheryl Kauffman said...

At least if you write a story with a character that has a small child, you have plenty of ideas.

Erica Orloff said...

Someone said he's the next "FUDGE" a la Judy Blume. ;-)

laughingwolf said...

obvious solution: LEAVE things as db has 'designed' them, til he's old enough to appreciate what repairs entail :O lol

word verif: eyesses

]most appropriate since i had surgery to both eyes a week ago last friday]

Erica Orloff said...

Hope your eyes are healing well! My dad had surgery two weeks ago, too (in his case, he's legally blind . . . so just trying to preserve what tiny bit of sight he has in one eye).


P.S. Wise advice. Hence no new carpeting until he's a LOT older.

ray said...

Dear Erica,

Erie Insurance is always interested in developing a creative new coverage that differentiates us from run of the mill insurers that are out there promoting quacking geese, lizards with foreign accents and big umbrellas. As a result we immediately took up your challenge and started work on a Demon Baby Coverage Endorsement that could be added to our already superior HomeProtector policy. Unfortunately, when we asked our Actuaries to create a price for the coverage it became clear that like insurance for nuclear accidents or covering a home built on the side of an active volcano “Demon Baby Coverage” is practically uninsurable and if we offered it you probably wouldn’t be willing to pay the price. Thanks anyway for the opportunity to read your very creative thinking.

Ray Leeds
Vice President and Manager
Product Development Department
Erie Insurance Group

pita-woman said...

Wow Erica, that's impressive that the insurance company actually commented!