Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dear Worried Investors

Yes, the stock market is in the tank. Yes, people don't know whether to hide their money under the mattress, put it in the bank, or buy stocks while they are low. But I am here to give you some insider trading information.

Buy Charmin stock.

First, Demon Baby uses it as crime scene tape. He also uses it to tie up his siblings, to stuff in clothes to make scarecrows, and as confetti. Sometimes he lines up long strips of toilet paper and places them on his naked self as a "blanket."

Additionally, he has a bad cold. He is under the impression (see photo above) that he needs 500 squares of toilet tissue to wipe his nose. Each. Time. He. Sneezes.

In these times of uncertainty . . . buy Charmin stock. The parent company is Proctor and Gamble. As of this morning, stock prices are $50.95. That's UP by .84. I'm telling you. It's a sure thing.

Signed,
Demon Baby's Mother

14 comments:

Realmcovet said...

Oh, how I worship the Demon Baby and his Magnificent Ways.

A toilet paper fashioned "blanket"?? Heavens!! There IS a GOD!!! :D

Erica Orloff said...

Realm:
Yes. You would be amazed at what he fashions as blankets. Underwear. My bras.

He also creates "nests"--wherein he will pull EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY clean and folded towel from the linen closet and smash them into a pile, and then hide himself in the pile and call it his "nest."

Laundry doesn't last long folded around here.

E

Melanie Avila said...

I think I've done that with the linen closet...

Would he know if you swapped out a cheaper brand of toilet paper for his playtime?

Cheryl Kauffman said...

My son has been doing the same thing when he sneezes, only he uses a tissue every time. I wish he would use toilet paper instead, it is a little cheaper. He also has been using tissues instead of toilet paper when he goes potty. I think I will send a letter like yours, only to Kleenex.
My son also likes to make a nest, but he will take all the clean blankets in the house to make a fort, then put all of the sofa pillows on the bottom of his fort.

Erica Orloff said...

Melanie:
Yes, indeed. He would. :-) He's just a little too clever. He knows if I buy a different brand of ANYTHING from OJ to soap to yogurt to . . .

E

Erica Orloff said...

Cheryl:
Nest . . . fort . . . different names . . . same mess. ;-)
E

pita-woman said...

Look on the bright side, at least he's attempting to use a proper item for wiping his nose as opposed to wiping it on his sleeve (assuming he's wearing clothes), the upholstery, or just letting it gather on his upper lip like so many other children I see.
I remember fondly making a club-house out of all the quilts when I was a kid. It was one of the very rare things my sister & I did together and got along while doing. Ah, good memories!

Erica Orloff said...

pita-woman:
I could regale you with sneezing/snot stories and what he finds amusing, but I will spare you and say that yes, attempting to use 500 sheets of toilet paper is a good thing. :-)
E

laughingwolf said...

is that 'stop squeezing the charmin' guy still around?

methinks db will become some kind of engineer or inventor :)

Robin said...

I swear that Melanie and I share the same brain. I was thinking that wouldn't happen in our house, because I buy shitty coarse toilet paper that no one would want to wrap themselves in. My dad brings his Charmin with him when he comes to visit.

I think Demon Baby's games sound really cozy.

Erica Orloff said...

laughing wolf:
Alas, the Charmin man passed away. Maybe db will be the new spokesperson.

E

Erica Orloff said...

Robin:
He does love getting cozy. I was worried--a LOT--that he had severe ADHD or something. But then I noticed . . . stick the kid in a "nest" and cuddle with him and he can sit still for hours. So . . . I opted to instead just look at him as an evil genius.

E

Melanie Avila said...

*remembers to bring my own toilet paper if I go to visit Robin*

Erica Orloff said...

Melania:
ROFLMAO!
E